A day in the life.

The “red invisible” string.

Today when I was feeling sick and went to sickbay, who else went back the Jackary Davidson, we sat on the couch having d&m’s. Thats where “The “red invisible” String” Came from. 

No matter how hard we try and get rid of eahcother, push each other out completely, something happened that pulls us back together, whilst in toddler mode, I asked Jack why that is.
He said “Maybe it’s too do with our auras” Then somehow we got into “invisible string” this string is tied to our pinkys, connecting us to each other, it is red.
No matter how hard you pull, this string never breaks, simple just pulls you back.
this string is just between jack and I, and cannot be broken, not by the heaviest hammer, then sharpest knife, of the purple elephant in the room, which is also invisible, but even invisible things have colours.
I think for everyone, someone out their has the string, no matter what, you need to be in each other lives, you just have too be their, you’re important.
You have the string that keeps you together. 

Happiness.

Tonight Cameron and I started over again. Hes wonderful. It took a fair bit too admit we still liekd eachother but I knew we would get their. I really really like him. I’m scared, but I think we can make something out of this. 

so lost in my own head right now

It’s a muddled up mess in there. Physically and mentally in pain. Mentally under so much pressure I can almost feel all of it. I don’t even have a reason so keep going, I just feel like somethings pushing me to move on.

I wish I knew all that is it; But i am thankful for it.  

It’s really hard to walk away from someone who you thought would always be with you.

I can’t even describe the feeling. You try, but the person waits a little while, talks to you again and you just right back where you started. Why? Because there is so much on the line. 

Addicted to cutting again.

Well done, way too fuck up again. 

Memories are (Foh)ever.

Okay; Trying to make sure I fit in every last detail I can about the day at bondi as it is one I’ll never want to forget.

We picked up Jack; This is the first time I had seen him since a crazy fight which has led us from “best friends always” Too “good friends i guess.” he got in the car and because mother dearest was also In the car we acted very chill. We got out of the car and had a bit of chit chat, he was yet to sleep so he was tired. Cassie and Emma arrived and we boarded the train.

A lot of chatting with the girls and jack had a nap on the train about this and that. When jack awoke there was man behind him who kept staring at Jack/ Jacks private area, he looked about 60. Emma, Cassie and I were having an awesome giggle about it well Jack, Emma, Cassie and I played the “pass around the iPod to talk about the crazy pedophile behind Jack” Game. it was very amusing. Whilst all this was going on we blasts sleeping with sirens, For Our Hero and I was giving everyone Tattoos, we finally arrived at Central Station. 

At central, we weren’t positive as too where we were going, we made it, It just took me a little bit to remember where we were going. As we hit platform 24 I got a call from Sarah telling me she just got there. She made It just in-time for the train and we had a massive cuddle session too Bondi Junction and chat, We can barely detach from each other once we are together. I love that girl like crazy. We got to the Junction and as we were going up the escalator we saw Rachel. I had never met her but Sarah had. It’s strange, seeing someone you’ve known for so long in twitter, out of it. It’s actually amazing. So we cuddled and finally we all made it too the bus.

Ont he bus there was not enough seats and we were all sitting all on eachother and all over the place, there is not a lot to tell you about the bus but I must add in some guy who got on said under his breath “so many scene kids” which made us all giggle.

 
Once we all walked over to the beach, Sarah and I hand in hand as always. We found Nat and some other good friends, I finally met Maddison which was amazing. Jack sat down, he gets in these modes where he just needs space, so Sarah and I went and god frozen Coke and some hot chips, sat in a little booth and talked about life. It’s crazy, Sarah has been this girl I’ve known since I was 12, I’ve told her everything and anything, loved her like crazy. Yet I only met her when I was 16 at soundwave this year, and this day at bondi. But in reality it’s like the same. So we had a good talk, another amazing cuddle and a walk to find the 7/11 and some more chats on life. Bumped into Emma, Cassie and Nat well crossing the lights and back to the beach. 

Jack still wasnt talking to me, but that was okay. I was being pissed about it when i really shouldn’t have been, I know how he gets. I guess I was just so happy and I wanted him to be involved, Sarah and I where enjoying an amazing lemon lime and bitters slushie and dancing to random tunes when a bunch of lovely girls I met on the LOVES GOT ME TIPSY! cruise appeared. It was so good seeing them, meeting their friends, the official final days of “captain balspot” was over ( my nickname when my brother fucked up my hair).

Next the safe sex van appeared! Wow I wish there was one at every gig haha! nothing like getting “like sex? hate chlamydia?” stickers, free condoms and lollypops! Having a laugh about being whores. From what I can remember next a terrible, terrible band came on and where covering parkway so horrible that Sarah and I bailed it, walked to the other end of the beach, sat there and had a talk about Smoking, drugs and drinking and how all those things can fuck you up, and the people we worry about doing them, after some time we walked back.

When I came back I got absolutely smash tackled by Aleyce! I had not seen this girl in years so don’t ask me how she knew it was me, but throughout the day I was just happy too see her face, have her kiss me and hug me, poke me too see if I was really, and have her tell me about her little crush on a guy that was there with her group. In her group was a boy named dylan! I had not seen him since a loft gig so there was a lot of hugs there!

Shortly after, I saw Jack, what looked like “bail it” and I couldn’t find him so I looked, stressed myself out too Sarah and cried. Dylan told me he just needed head space and go sit with everyone, so I did. Then the For Our Hero boys turned up. I got big cuddles and told them too look our for Jack which Geoff was overly impressed by how I said he was dressed Beau, and all he wanted too do was meet him. They went off the find there lunch and I left them too it. 

Then Jack, Emma and Cassie appeared, I went for a walk with jack, in which we both said our sorrys and had a cuddle, he just needed head space. We went and got something to eat. Came back down and sat with Dylan. Nat ended up on my lap for cuddles, then we spotted nax. We sat with Nax well he was on his own for a little and talked about his tattoo’s, life and everything good about music. That guys so genuine. He left when some creepy girls he wanted to avoid appeared.

Jack needed the bathroom so we went for a walk down there. As we walked back we say Jay. He stopped what he was doing, came over “hey jess” turned to Jack “wow you look like my brother, I’m jay” / puts out his hand. “whats your name” Jack was flawed, they had a little chat well I had a huggle! Then jay needed the bathroom. We walked around for a bit and ended up where we originally talked to Nax. A little while into it, Dave and Leon appeared and asked a favor of Jack and I. To carry their merch table and we would be rewarded.

We did so and we were, we got too see behind the van in the shade with the joys, with wristbands and clips for free, and cheap sunnies. I was chuffed. Then Geoff appeared “Hey it’s Beau! Look Dave it’s Beau” “I know he’s with us” “Hey Beau”
and again with the handshakes, then geoff came and had a nap next to me. Wishing he could go to bed somewhere the poor love.

Sometime after that Cassidy arrive, tackled me, Hacked my phone, took photos on my camera and had a good chat. That girls so beautiful. Then Kerrod Williams introduced himself too me. We talked about where I worked and his interest in his band playing in Newcastle and me being able too hook him up. It’s always amazing having bands actually interested in your work. 

Jack borrowed Jays lighter and went off for a smoke. Cassie and Emma appeared! Oh and cat P! it was glorious. They got photos with the boys and we had some general hangs. Then again I found Sarah and had a rad snuggle, met Caity! She was just as gorgeous, I had them both laying on me for a little bit, Caity ducked off for a smoke and me and Sarah had a goodbye snuggle which saddened me but it was too sound of season who are fucking brilliant. 

Then we went up and got close to the stage for for our hero I met another Cait and her friend who were gorgeous and lovely! For our hero came out and gave me shivers with how good they are. Jay gave me the “you” in “blood and icecream.” They first you. It is the most amazing photo and will be below. They sung amazing but Jack and I had to leave one song early due to our bus. But we heard them from the hill and thats what counts. 

All four of us got to the Central Train home in time. Sung, Cuddled, Guessed each others songs, talked about the day and where just happily in eachothers company Oh and the girls got me a leon pick xD It was all in all a great evening of cuddles, good music and catch ups. Thank you too everyone.  
 

 

My opinion on all of this;

I have had some people who are so close, and I really thought where going to stick by me through thick and thin. But looking over it, in retrospect, If I was them, If I was in this their sitation, if I had a friend who was going through was I am, I think I would of stuck by me, I don’t think I would have walked off, I would have stuck by them.

But, Some people are just not built that way, some people just aren’t built for that, people just cant take those situations, people can’t handle such heat. I guess there is a different between needing somebody and desiring somebody, I desire to have certain friends in my life, but I don’t need them in my life. If they want to walk out now if they wanna leave, if they, whatever they want to do, i desire them to be there and I care but if they don’t want to be there, you have to let go, I think it’s the attachment thats really stuck with me, You just have to learn that they are not what they were to you and you can no longer cling onto them anymore, sometime they’re not coming back almost if they were dead.

You just have to keep going because life goes on. I’ve just figured I’ve had all these people do these things to me and I have had this stuff happen to me. But if I had let it all get to me I would not be writing this today, I would have been gone, I would have been dead years ago.

I think, I am so attached to some people, or I was, that when bad things happened like the doing bad things, hurting my feelings screwing me over. Things that harm me. I get so messed up by it because I have such a strong attachment, and within this attachment there’s always so many expectations. All these different things that we “want” or “need” from them and the idea that if they disappear we are nothing. Like “this person does this for me” etc. You don’t do it for yourself, You rely on that person for parts of your happiness, It’s like your so one with them, they things they do act as a crutch.

Being lost without them, It’s like having no sense of self because they are no longer in our lives. But that just doesn’t work cause you are your own individual. From now on I don’t need anyone in my life, Only this desire to have them there.
It feels so much better not to need people, but only care for and want them there. They’re free to do what there want, if they want to totally free to go, and thats how it’s meant to be when you love someone, you let them go, but if you’re attached, you’re clinging too them its all, no, resistance, anger, It’s not healthy for either of you. It’s like maybe if they leave, someone else will come, Maybe, People are seasons, people come people go, we arent just masses we have our own paths and people aren’t always going to be in eachothers lives all the time. Things shift, stuff happens, people they leave, people come, thats just life, that’s just what happens.

So if you attach yourself, you attach all those wants and needs, it like you’re giving them your power. You don’t need to do that, You’re power is your sense of self, it’s “I am who I am” It’s not a need, its I love you and I care for you and I want you in my life. 

But if you decided to leave, I wish you well, I hope they are safe, and if they ever want to come back, if they ever want to part of my life again they can. If you’re in you’re in. But there is no need to keep such a tight hold, it causes anger and fighting and nobody needs that. By letting these people go, I can open up opportunities that may be better suited to me and i’ll probably enjoy them a lot more, If these people are ready to leave then let them leave. 

If you can’t fix things, it’s live trying to build on something thats already in ruin, if you can’t just sit down and talk about it, if you can only fight it only ends in argument. In both you’re only looking for common ground and if you can’t find that then you their is no point in keeping that in your life.

So it’s time to give up attachment.  

I just really need a break from myself.

Help;

So, one thing I always lose track of is the people there to help me; Sometimes I wish I could just disappear to them. Come back better; But I don’t think that could really help,I just hate who I am when I go into a state of depression, I don’t want to bother them.

I think the great thing about most of my friends is no matter what, they don’t give up on me. Last friday Jack was “babying” me. It’s nice to have friends like that, basically I saw him and got bear cuddles, went and helped his little sister draw, I love her to bits so it took my mind off things, Then went and sat with jack, I had the worst headache so the kid forced panadol and water on me, we went to shops. But I think my favorite thing someone can do Is hold my hand.

 It sounds so incredably trivial; But I think there is so much more to hand holding. You use your hands for everything, Including self destruction and self help.  The other persons hand also has the ability to do both, by taking away your tool and holding your hand, You’re connected. You can’t do any harm, It’s almost like saying “were together in this.” It sure does make me feel a lot better, but maybe that’s just me. I think Holding hands with anyone is amazing, it can show you a lot about that person/ your friendship.